6/8/07 “Graduation”

Three years ago my family and I watched my brother-in-law, Dustin, graduate from college. Something stirred in me and I was inspired to go to college.

When I graduated from high school, I decided not to go to college right away. I was getting married, and I just wanted to be a wife, and eventually a mom, much like my own mother. I had my life all figured out. Then, several years later I found that life doesn’t always go as planned. I had two kids, I was in the middle of getting divorced, and I had no career to fall back on. This is when I started to regret my decision not to go to college immediately after high school. I had nothing to fall back on, and it was a scary time for me.

Life has a way of working itself out. I found a wonderful new husband, and a healthy blended family. I knew I was doing what I was meant to do by staying home and raising our children. But I was still bothered by the fact that I had nothing to fall back on if the day comes that I need to support my family on my own. I figured out the hard way that you never know what the future holds.

So as I sat at Dustin’s graduation and watched all of those people who had achieved their goals, I knew that it was time for me to do the same. I had no idea what I would major in, but I knew that I would earn a college degree, and I also wanted to graduate with honors.

Fast forward to tonight, Friday, June 08, 2007: Graduation Night! Woohoo!!! I achieved both of my goals. I earned an Associate of Applied Science in Human Services, Summa Cum Laude. There were so many times that I questioned whether or not I could do it, whether I was good enough, if I would be able to follow through with my goals. It was quite a journey to say the least. But I did it!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Now I will take a break from school and my potential career. I will go back to what is really important to me, and I will spend the next few years raising my children full time. I am back where I belong.

5/23/07
A week ago I had a bit of a scare. My blood pressure was up, and my doctor and I were concerned that I may be developing preeclamsia (toxemia). So I spread the word and lots of people started praying for me. I also changed my diet quite a bit in hopes of bringing down my blood pressure. Thankfully, I started noticing my BP coming down some. I had an appointment with my doctor today to check my BP and other signs of impending preeclamsia, and it went pretty well. Although my BP is still a bit higher than normal, I have no other concerning symptoms. I will still have to keep close tabs on myself, of course, but it looks like everything is going to be OK!

With my first baby, 9 years ago, I developed preeclamsia at about 32-33 weeks along, then I had to deliver him at about 34-35 weeks after being in the hospital on bed rest for a week. It was scary, but everything ended up being OK in the end. With my second baby, I was scared that the same thing could happen again, but I never had any complications with her, and I was delighted to deliver a full-term baby. I was also concerned that this would develop with my third child (since she has a different father than the first two, it was like having a “first child” all over again). But I never had any complications with her either. So with this last child, we assumed everything would go just as smoothly as it did the last two times.

It makes me wonder… Do I just have a harder time carrying boys? Or did the baby asprin that I took every day while pregnant with the girls really do the trick at keeping my BP down (it isn’t actually proven to work)?

I want to thank all those who prayed for me and my baby and my family. I trust that all the prayers have made a difference. Keep ‘em coming, as I will certainly need things to stay calm and healthy for at least the next 7-8 weeks.

I’ll try to keep everyone updated.

It's a BOY!!!!!!

We had our ultrasound this morning, and found out that we are expecting a baby boy in August!
This picture shows just the bottom half of the baby.

His legs are all scrunched up and there is a little something poking out...LOL.


This one is a 3D picture which shows the profile of the face with the arm in front.

We are SO EXCITED to finally know what we are having!

School is DONE!!!

Yay!! I finished my final classes yesterday. I have my associates degree now, and I will have the graduation ceremony in June. I am SO HAPPY to have this behind me. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed going to school. But it is very satisfying to know that I finished what I started, and now I can take a nice long break.

I am taking at least 2-3 years off before going back to get my Bachelors Degree. I am going to be a Stay At Home Mom to my last baby, just as I did with all of my other kids when they were babies.

Now I will have a little bit of time to do some things around the house since I don't have to go to school. I still work three days per week, but now I look forward to sleeping in, organizing the house, and painting/redecorating some rooms during my two days off per week.

Hopefully, all of this means that my stress levels will go down quite a bit. I'm sure the extra sleep will help out a whole bunch too.

Can you tell I'm excited???

3/12/07
I wonder what is worse; a man who cheats, or a man who is abusive?

Actually, I don’t wonder. I’ve experienced both of these types of men.
Abuse and infidelity are pretty equal in terms of the emotional pain that goes along with it.

Something I have found to be pretty silly is that both types of man will still confess to loving his wife, even when he cheats on her or when he is regularly violent towards her.

Something even sillier is that the woman will often actually believe that he loves her.

It’s hard to say who is more messed up in those situations. I wonder if these people don’t really know what love is. Or maybe they are just fooling themselves because that is easier than facing the truth.

Can a person who abuses or cheats REALLY love the one they have betrayed????

My kids are finally back home! For those of you who didn't know, they went to visit their dad who got two weeks of R&R while serving in Iraq. The kids went to Alabama for two weeks. That was the longest they have ever been away from me, and the farthest they have ever been from me. It was really odd to have them out of the house. Some days, the house seemed very empty. But since I did still have 3 more kids at home during this time, the two weeks went by a lot faster than I had expected.

The kids had a wonderful time visiting their dad, grandparents and aunt. I am just glad it is all over.

In order for the kids to get to Alabama, we drove to the halfway point for both dropping them off and picking them up. The destination was over 530 miles away. So we drove all day long, and then turned around and came back home the next day. Twice. Needless to say, I am still exhausted from the trips. We got home a little before midnight last night. We also did a bit of traveling during the one weekend between these two trips to celebrate our anniversary.

In other new, I only have to go to school two more times to finish up my degree. Woohoo!!!!

3/2/07 "Heartbroken"
Life seemed to be going great. School is almost done (2 weeks left!!), my pregnancy is going just fine, and my family has been quite healthy. Life is good, right?

Then all of the sudden I am hit with something that turns my world upside-down. I am numb. Heartbroken. And I realize how alone I am.

I don’t know how to react, respond or recover from what has caused my torment. Pray for me…

*sorry to be so vague. I am unwilling to talk about it right now.

2/16/07
I am SO JEALOUS of all of my friends who get together for bible study each week! I want so badly to be with them. Right now, it just isn’t a good time for me. You know, it’s probably silly, but I feel a bit left out. Just to be clear, I am NOT being left out at all. I was invited. They want me to be there. They are happy to see me the few times I have come. So I understand that it is completely irrational for me to feel left out…LOL.
I guess my fear is that maybe everyone is getting really close and bonded to each other while I am missing out. I really want to become closer with several of these friends. Friendship is a long process though. Sometimes, I wonder if there is a limit on how many close friends a person can have. Will all those friendship vacancies get filled up without me?

1/15/07 “Judgmental People”

It amazes me as I realize how judgmental people are on a regular basis. It seems to me that strangers, acquaintances, and friends all seem to come up with all sorts of judgments towards others.

Up until the last couple of years, there weren’t many people I associated with. Yeah, I had no friends. Apparently, in joining a social group I have gained more than just the friends and acquaintances I was happy to be part of. I have also put myself out there for other people to judge me and everything about me. I guess I was naïve to expect anything different from “friends”, even from Christians.

To be fair, I doubt that “everyone” judges me so harshly. But it’s hard to know. There are the looks, the off-handed comments, or the outright talking-about-me-behind-my-back that I find out about days, weeks, or months later. But how much is there that I never end up hearing about?? It makes it hard to trust anyone.

I realize that I set myself up for it as soon as I let anyone know anything about me. People just can’t resist, I guess.

Let’s see, there was the time that Tony and I asked for prayer for our marriage that was feeling pretty rocky at the time. That opened up the door for others to think that it was because we don’t get out without the kids enough. We were told that we “need” to do that as though that was the answer to some issues that had nothing to do with that. Apparently, we didn’t need to simply have prayer for our marriage as I had thought. No… it seems I also needed to take the advice of others who had no idea what they were talking about.

Then there was the time when we were really struggling financially. For the first time ever, we actually got a shut off notice, and we had no idea how we were going to pay our bills. (I now know that there was a reason. God was shutting a door on a job so he could open a new door to a great job. Transition isn’t easy. Seeing His plan isn’t easy. But GOD is good!)Again, we asked for prayer. We got more than prayer. There were also the judgments and/or gossip about how we can’t handle money, or that there is no reason we should be struggling as people who have no business doing so estimate what our income vs. expenses might be. I have no idea where anyone would come up with the figures necessary for such evaluation of my personal finances, but the point is that it is offensive that anyone would think it is their business at all. (The exception would be if I were asking for monetary help from someone. Then they would certainly have the right to wonder/ask. But that’s not what I’m talking about here…)

Then there are all the judgments associated with parenting choices and techniques. It’s just unreal.

Let’s see… I have received judgment from others in regards to breastfeeding, breastfeeding for too long, attachment parenting, co-sleeping, cloth diapering. Some might say I’m a mean mom for giving my kids chores to do (keep room clean, + one more chore, requiring about a half an hour of work per day before playtime). Give me a break!

If I express frustration towards any problems there may be with the kids, there will always be the select few who think that means I need unsolicited advice. Certainly, this insightful advice from an outsider will help me overcome my parental deficiencies.

Then there is the announcement of a child on the way. This news seems to be an invitation for people to ask personal questions.
Was it planned? (MYOB)
Don’t you have enough kids? (We will soon)
How many more are you going to have? (Does it matter?)
Is our house big enough? (Um, yeah. We fit in our house just fine. Why would anyone else worry about this?)
It seems that some people don’t think we should have anymore kids. In light of the financial problems we had nearly a year ago, we must not be able to afford our kids.

After our pregnancy had been announced at church, someone actually laughed at me. I don’t mean a little chuckle. It was more of an obnoxious cackle that was very inappropriate. It seems this person thought the baby was unplanned, and she took great joy in that thought. It was interesting to watch this same person unable to manage her own child during the service while our family and the another large family sat with a total of nine children (ages 9 and under) being appropriately quiet during the service. Hmm…


This rant of mine is not to say that I am never guilty. I understand that it is human nature to be judgmental. But this just seems ridiculous at times. Human nature or not, it is wrong, and it’s time for people, especially Christians to make some changes.

Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37

Create your own friendquiz here

http://www.testriffic.com"> >Create your own friendquiz here

12/13/06
So here is the interesting part of my life…



We are going to have a baby! We have been waiting all year long so that we would have a Sept07 baby. However, we got a bit carried away in our excitement to add on to the family so it turns out we will be having an August07 baby instead.

Having a large family, we have found that friends and strangers like to make stupid comments about our family size. People have wondered if we have figured out what keeps causing us to have more kids (yes, we have, and we enjoy it very much!). People like to let us know we have a big family (really? I hadn’t noticed). Sometimes people even wonder if it was an accident. Are babies ever an accident?

This is my fourth baby. There will be a total of six kids though, because I also raise my two step kids as my own. This will be our last baby. We are very excited!

12/12/06
I just finished up the fall term at school last week. Now I am enjoying a month off of school before going back full force next term to finish my degree. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it still seems so far away. I have high anxiety over the upcoming term because this is the most I have taken on so far, between work, school and family.

I realize this particular post is rather boring. I seem to be unable to achieve any real thought process at this time. I am exhausted and distracted at the moment, so this is the best I can do at the moment.

I promise, the next blog entry will actually be interesting. :-)

10/21/06
When was the last time you prayed for more than 5 minutes?
Hmm… It’s been quite awhile, to be honest. It’s not that I avoid praying. I usually have little snippets of prayer all day long. That is how I include God in my life; I take Him with me. But as far as having a really long, meaningful talk with Him, I am ashamed to say that I can’t remember the last time that happened. The only times I spend really extended amounts of time talking to God is when things are really bad. When I have really gotten myself into a deep hole, that is when I suddenly want to be close to God- so He will help me. Geez, how screwed up is that? What kind of a friend am I to only seek Him out when I need Him? And anyways, I always need him. It’s just that sometimes (usually) I think I can handle things on my own without having to go to Him and begging for his help.

Furthermore, I just explained how “I include God in my life”. Isn’t that a bit backwards? For “me to include Him in my life”, it infers that I am the one in control. Intellectually, I know that I am not the one in control. God is. But how do I turn that intellectual knowledge into heart knowledge? I don’t truly own that concept with all of my being, and I don’t know how to get to that place where I do.

I have trusted Him completely before. It was absolutely wonderful, and it worked out better that I could have ever done myself (duh…). I felt closer to him at that time than I ever have before or since. So why am I not still in that place? How on earth did I let myself start drifting again?

I guess on some level, I know the answer to that question. I haven’t been spending the time with Him that I should be. I have been spending much less time in the Word lately, and also less time in prayer. I need to start making myself read the bible every day again, and also make an effort to pray more.

I feel ashamed to say that I need to make myself spend more time with God. But it’s the truth. I owe it to Him and to myself.

9/4/06,
School is starting…YAY!!

The kids ALL start school tomorrow!! I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am! I’ve spent all summer longs with all five kids, and it has worn very thin. I am/was at the end of my rope; just a shred of sanity left. But now I will have a few days to live my life in peace while they are all in school.

Kaylee is starting “school” (daycare) for the first time ever. She will be 3 in October, so she will be put in the 3-5 year old class. She is very excited, since she thinks she is all grown up like the other kids now. I think I might be a little sad when it comes time to leave her at school. My baby is growing up!

I will be starting my internship on Friday even though my classes don’t start until September 25th. I should be able to get about half of my hours out of the way before I start school.

I love summer time, I also love all the changes and new beginnings that happen in the fall.

What's the Deal?
8/30/06

I don’t even know what is wrong. But something is wrong. I am so discouraged. Sad. Hopeless.

There have been some very stressful/sad times this summer. But I think I’m over that.

People/situations have unknowingly hurt me a little bit. It stings a little, but it’s the sort of thing where I just move on knowing to trust less and expect less. No biggie.

I have been mildly sick for nearly three weeks, but that’s just annoying- nothing to get upset over.

There are decisions to be made regarding housing, and a car. Sometimes my husband’s job stresses me out. Some of my kids drive me nuts. But again, this is just normal, everyday stuff.

So what the heck is wrong with me?? I actually found myself contemplating quitting school. If you know me, you would know that is completely off the wall. School isn’t even stressing me out. I haven’t been there for months. When I am there, I mostly love it. So why would I even think such a thing, when I am almost done earning my first degree?

I suppose it could be burnout from dealing with my kids all summer long while my husband works long hours. If so, that would be great, because they all go back to school next week. So I hope that is what my problem is.

I wish I could just feel normal and happy right now.

8/26/06 Clear as Mud

I want to post something in my blog. It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post, and I don’t want to leave my readers hanging (I have a big crowd of readers- probably upwards of 5). So I’m going through my journal to see what I have that could be posted. In addition to this picture that has nothing to do with my blog, several subjects catch my eye:

A cute story about one of my kids,

The gossip problem that is creeping into our church (yes, OUR church!),

My customer service experience that escalated to my openly yelling at the witch/manager while customers stopped to see the show,

My excitement and relief that the kids will be back in school in about a week

I don’t know… It's all either too boring or too in-depth.

I’ll just ramble about my feelings, I guess.

I feel some sort of emptiness. I don’t know why. I am relatively connected to God. I force myself to trust in Him, and immediately start feeling a sense of peace or relaxation. I love how that works. But then it is short lived. I have to keep letting go over and over. Maybe that’s how it is supposed to work, but it just seems like a battery that won’t keep a charge.

I need more friends too. For years, I have been praying for a friend. I have always had lots of “friends” in social situations that are fun to talk to, and who I care about. But in my whole lifetime, I have had very few friends who really know me. I keep trying to build friendships, and I really love the ladies who have entered into the early stages of friendship with me. I am thankful for all of the new relationships. There are so many possibilities. But how long will it take to form that special friendship with someone, and will it ever happen?

Well, that’s all for now. Maybe next time I will have a nice, well-thought-out entry for my blog. No guarantees!

8/11/06
It has been an awful week.

We have had our own heartbreaking crisis here at home all week, which I’m just not ready to talk about.

My mom’s uncle has lost the will to live, and was sent home to die. It should be any day now.

One of my parent’s closest friends, who is the pastor of their church, died unexpectedly this Wednesday. I can’t imagine what his wife is going through right now.

We will end this terrible week at the Unity Christian Music Festival. It’s tough to even go there right now. But God can and will use the festival to help us move through our brokenness.

Last night, I held my son for about an hour while Chris Tomlin was on stage. Through our tears, we clung to each other and sang our praises to God.

Worship means so much more when things in life aren’t going well. It gives me a new perspective. No matter is wrong in life, no one can take God away from me. Beyond that, what really matters?

My two year old, Kaylee, just said to me "What am I thinking"?
So I said, "I don't know. What are you thinking?"
So she headed towards the bathroom and replied "I'm thinking I need a bath".

I love the cute things she says. She comes up with new cute or grown up things to say every day. I think she might be growing up. She was supposed to be my baby forever.

7/20/06
I finally got my cable internet back today (Thurs) after it went out in the storm Monday night! Our home phone runs through the internet line (VOIP), so we were without phone service that whole time. Good thing my TV programming doesn’t come from the dreaded cable company too…
My neighbors who have cable TV were going nuts with their cable out for three days. Hmm, our satellite signal never even stumbled. Needless to say, at least one of our neighbors will be switching to Dish Network now…LOL.