Saturday, October 21, 2006

When was the last time you prayed for more than 5 minutes?
Hmm… It’s been quite awhile, to be honest. It’s not that I avoid praying. I usually have little snippets of prayer all day long. That is how I include God in my life; I take Him with me. But as far as having a really long, meaningful talk with Him, I am ashamed to say that I can’t remember the last time that happened. The only times I spend really extended amounts of time talking to God is when things are really bad. When I have really gotten myself into a deep hole, that is when I suddenly want to be close to God- so He will help me. Geez, how screwed up is that? What kind of a friend am I to only seek Him out when I need Him? And anyways, I always need him. It’s just that sometimes (usually) I think I can handle things on my own without having to go to Him and begging for his help.

Furthermore, I just explained how “I include God in my life”. Isn’t that a bit backwards? For “me to include Him in my life”, it infers that I am the one in control. Intellectually, I know that I am not the one in control. God is. But how do I turn that intellectual knowledge into heart knowledge? I don’t truly own that concept with all of my being, and I don’t know how to get to that place where I do.

I have trusted Him completely before. It was absolutely wonderful, and it worked out better that I could have ever done myself (duh…). I felt closer to him at that time than I ever have before or since. So why am I not still in that place? How on earth did I let myself start drifting again?

I guess on some level, I know the answer to that question. I haven’t been spending the time with Him that I should be. I have been spending much less time in the Word lately, and also less time in prayer. I need to start making myself read the bible every day again, and also make an effort to pray more.

I feel ashamed to say that I need to make myself spend more time with God. But it’s the truth. I owe it to Him and to myself.